Feeling like you can't get past an old pain.

Sep 24, 2020

I didn’t understand self-fulfilling prophecies until I was in one. As much as I wanted to heal this area of my life, there was this weird sense of love I received from not allowing myself to actually move forward. I stayed stuck in this “unhealed” state for years thinking it was only possible once the other person stepped up.


Now knowing, that isn’t the case. Do you feel you’ve placed your love + attention in this one area so many times but yet you still can’t seem to untangle the feeling of release?


I’ve had this very weird out of body experience about three times. It’s the weirdest thing that I cannot even put it fully into words. But I believe God was trying to lead to me a deeper place of awakening.


When I’m speaking, especially if someone is down for deeeeeep talks, there’s this side of me that’s fully connected, present, and on fire, but there’s been a few times where randomly someone will bring up a parent of mine and instantly literally within less than a second my energy shifts.


This is gonna sound like some crazy shit, peeps. Get ready. It’s literally as if my eyeballs detach from my body and I’m looking at the girl sitting down talking about a parent. I go from this high-vibe goofy, confident being to quite literally watching my shoulders slouch, my facial expressions change into this confused and hurt look. My mind that was once clear is fully clouded, I can’t get my thoughts out properly and I literally watch her sink into the chair.


In the moment, it’s like I’m not aware it’s happening but I am at the same time. I literally am watching myself but not fully connected into the vision until the conversation about it is over.


I’ve been in “healing” mode with this parent for quite literally since I began my healing journey three years ago. Constantly at battle with it. Constantly waiting for this parent to come around and put forth the same effort to growing together. And each time it failed, I would sink a bit deeper, allowing that to be the reason I didn’t allow myself to fully move forward.


I’ve put so much of my life into these three years of bringing my subconscious memories, pains, and beliefs conscious so that I can begin healing and rewriting my stories, but this was one area I stumbled on time and time again.


It dawned on me a few months back after yet another incident of me sobbing my eyes, “when do I actually fully move forward from this?”.


All of this time I was allowing myself to feel sad for not having what I needed as a little girl AND for that parent not being willing to discuss it. Harboring a great deal of my power away in this parent’s decision on whether or not to show up.


I kept myself in this cycle, in this pain, locked up in wounds waiting for this parent to nurse it back to healed.


Sometimes in this spiritually healing realm, there is no magic exercise that fully washes away the pain and stories. Sometimes going through the process of healing doesn’t actually feel like it’s healing. Sometimes it’s just making a conscious and connected choice to staying committed to changing your story in every single moment.


Once you fully connect into this, you then begin regaining your full power back.




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