Is your place of focus keeping you stuck?

Dec 07, 2020

Do you ever find yourself having the same conversations/battles? Whether the battle is solo or with someone else? And you’re at a point that maybe when the conversation comes up you immediately start to space out because you’re over it and know where it will lead to?

 

Yeah, me too…that was fully me! But then I noticed that this conversation never STOPPED coming up.

 

There’s a boundary between tension and productive tension. This idea became engraved into me when I started to notice a pattern between Justin + I. There were times we could effectively overcome something, but then there was also conversations that brought the same emotional charge of anger, frustration, isolation, distance.

 

Tension plays off of the situation and how it made a person feel.

 

“You didn’t do the dishes and now I’m frustrated.” To another, it appears so minor, so they instantly are shooting back with rebuttals to protect their Ego.

 

Have you been here? But have you also noticed that it leads to the two of you spinning for a while until you spin so deep that you get to this point where you just want to say F you and go your separate ways? We’ve been here….multiple times.

 

Productive Tension is where the two of you come together as adults and effectively communicate to overcome it together and the BOTH of you feel heard and seen. You see, PT doesn’t focus on the situation…it’s usually brought up once and then both parties intentionally takes it a step deeper.

 

The situation is the trigger of a hidden emotion. When you both allow yourself to take it a step deeper, you allow the hidden emotion to be expressed, seen and heard. USUALLY the hidden emotion revolves around, I don’t feel….heard, seen, love, supported, understood, validated, worthy, etc.

 

When you uncover this emotion, you’ve hit GOLD. Because now the two of you can come together as loving beings and approach this with your heart wide open rather than feeling like you’re being nagged at bc the dishes aren’t done.

 

In every emotional charge, (anger, frustration, yelling, screaming, physical violence, etc.) there is a need that has gone unmet and through the situation, it becomes triggered and you react from that space. Until this is uprooted, you will continue to feel the emotional charge and have the same tension.

 

Uprooting it allows you to meet it with what it’s deprived of, meaning it no longer has control over your reactions and you merge into PRODUCTIVE TENSION.

 

This episode will break down how to transfer your focus from the surface level to uncovering the hidden emotion: Episode 15
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